By the time I met my husband nearing my forties, I had finally found my voice. He was the first relationship I had in my life where I was completely myself. He did not try to silence, manipulate me or coerce me into being anything other than my authentic self. More importantly, by that point I had evolved into a person who believed that my opinion, feelings, and thoughts mattered. And I made it clear I would accept nothing less than someone who respected that. I had finally become free of the voices of the past that would pull me back into the neglected, undeserving child I believed I was.
I was now in my power, my truth, and I owned my mental freedom. My relationship worked with him because of who I became. And who I was energetically attracting. By only allowing a healthy mutual respect of each other, I found someone who respected healing and growth and saw the woman of strength I had become. However, up until then my path of finding inner peace and freedom was not so easy.
My childhood was painful, traumatic and full of fear. It starts from infancy when the energy around us is absorbed and our programming or conditioning begins. There was love, warmth and a mix of many different emotions around me as I grew up, but that was mostly overshadowed by the arguing and fighting of my parents.
Alcohol took over my father, anger took over my mother, and as a result, I was silenced as a child, I was silenced in my relationships, and my voice had become prisoner to others actions. I used to tremble in fear by verbal daggers or threats of those I was supposed to trust. But once I began my healing journey and realized that mental freedom was possible, I chose to no longer be ignored and neglected.
Our childhood conditioning can be transformed. I’m proof of that! With daily practice and commitment to our self-nurturance, we can change the internal dialogue that tells us otherwise. Now, instead of trembling because I was paralyzed by what might be said or done to me, my body now tingles with eruptions whenever there’s a hint that someone is trying to hinder my voice, opinion or feelings. Healing starts with a choice, a choice to embrace yourself and honor what have gone through. And a choice to take the first step. Step by step, one day at a time, one moment at a time I began to take my life and put it in my hands. Well, that’s not entirely true. I partnered with God and imagined him holding my hand just as I imagined myself holding the hand of my inner child. Together, we could do this. All three of us. If you do not yet feel connected to your higher power, or your inner child, hold your own hand and feel the warmth of embrace traveling between your hands connected you in strength, power and love, working together. Now take your first step together and say, I honor myself for who I am in this moment. My healing is a powerful choice that I embrace fully. As an infant I came into this world full of wonder of curiosity, and I live that way now.
It may not be easy to say what we need to out loud at first when it comes to proclaiming what we need in a situation that is uncomfortable. However, we can practice with what we want to say in a situation in our minds or on paper. I remember a period before I met my husband, I would go on dates for practice. I would practice what I truly felt and not what I thought the other person wanted to hear. I practiced in my head first until I was ready to verbalize it. If I wasn’t able to verbalize it, I would hold onto to thought and practice later at home. I would prepare and tell myself before I went into a situation that I was not attached to an outcome with this person I was with, I was only attached to the practice of being me. You’re not alone, in any situation. You have God, you have your inner child and again, if that’s hard, you have YOU. One step at a time.
You can find that place inside yourself that is in awe of all that you have gone through, all that you are going through and all that you are, and all you are doing right now in this moment. Just reading this is a loving action you are taking right here, right now to heal. You are already successful in that! I’m proud of you!
The only outcome I am attached to is being me.